This morning I woke up to a stream of messages on my phone and on Facebook telling me how much I suck and what a horrible person I am.
The last time I received such a jolting slap in the face, I immediately cut ties with the person. I knew I deserved support and love from a friend, not a demeaning voice mail telling me what a piece of shit I was.
I have not regretted killing that relationship one day.
Not even one second of one day.
Even in the miserable state of post-baby/husband just left me stupor, I KNEW I deserved better than that.
And as time has passed, apparently, the lesson I should be learning is that, indeed, I am a shitty person and friend and I should fuck-off.
I guess the lesson is, that Friend #1 who left the voice mail, and ex-husband who claimed I was a horrible person who disgusted him were correct.
Why?
Because the same thing is happening again.
The first message popped in via Facebook (the root of much evil in the land of friendship), telling me that I was a shitty person because I ignored her a two school functions. The best part was, it was written in such a tone of disgust (very notable in the side comments and fillers she used) and disdain, I actually started to cry.
Mainly because there was a HUGE misunderstanding, and she hadn’t bothered to try and call…she just sent a Facebook message.
(not to mention that I saw her across the room at one function and she didn’t seem to see me and I couldn’t seem to get her attention because the room was packed and the second I actually didn’t even see her. But, I’m not pointing a finger saying she didn’t bother to come up to speak to me either, when she had clearly seen me. What are we? 12?!)
So, I was a bit stunned to read the message.
And then I turned on my phone.
A nearly identical message from another friend. I guess we were some sort of a tripod. And now I feel like the two of them are teaming up on me.
Working together to remind me.
A new reminder that I suck.
Now, in my defense, I haven’t seen or heard from either one of these women in NINE MONTHS. I have called and texted and tried to set up play date or “mommy has a drink night” dates.
Only to be ignored.
I figured they were busy.
I knew they were, in fact.
Between the holidays in the winter and work schedules in the Spring, I just chalked it up to “too busy”
But, I also have started noticing other things.
Perhaps things I didn’t notice before because I was just too frazzled to notice.
Or maybe I just didn’t care nobody wanted to hang out.
Regardless.
I live in a little suburban bubble. When kids are home from school and husband is home from work, interactions with everyone else stops.
Unless.
Unless you can do a family play date on the weekend, too.
My family isn’t included.
Why?
We don’t have a daddy.
And as someone gently mentioned to me at the gym the other day, “moms” are actually not liking when I am around their “family” because I am single woman who is on the search for their husband.
Ladies. I do NOT want your husband.
I am not searching for my own husband, let alone trying to take yours.
But, there we go.
I’m already on the out-side circle. And I’m noticing it. And I don’t like it.
BUT.
I get it.
So, not hearing from these two in 9 months did hurt my feelings. But, I gave them the benefit of the doubt. I don’t “fit” into their weekend circle and as the kids grow up, I guess the weekday circle has changed.
And today I was thrown the blame.
It is my fault.
All of it.
For sucking.
One wrote at the end of her diatribe, “Not sure what I ever did to you??? I thought you were a cool chick…..not so much now Don’t worry I won’t talk to you, but it’s a shame since kids have the same class….I guess me and X were only good enough to vent to when times were tough…have a sweet life, nice knowing ya I guess”
I wanted to SCREAM…” YOU HAVEN”T RETURNED ONE OF MY CALLS IN NINE FUCKING MONTHS!!!!”
But, I did what I always do.
I apologized.
And didn’t mention my life is STILL tough. It is tougher with every fucking passing day. There is not one tiny thing about my life that has gotten easier. Not one.
Especially since I have virtually no support from people who once claimed to be part of my close-inner circle
(this is where I am pointing fingers)
And people who should be supporting me, like her, are too busy blaming me for not being around when I’m not really wanted there anyway.
But.
I get it.
I wouldn’t want to be my friend either.
My life is hard.
It is chaotic.
There isn’t time for extra fancy stuff, night out with the girls, shopping trips and “date night.”
I have three kids.
I’m single.
I work.
I’m trying to finish a degree.
I can’t afford baby sitters for nights out.
I can’t afford shopping trips.
I don’t have anyone to go on a couple’s date night with anyway.
I don’t have an extra set of hands to care for the kids and maintain a household.
I know everyone has challenges in their life.
But, as one who has lived the challenges on both sides of the gate, challenges with a partner are so incredibly different than the challenges of a mom who doesn’t have one. Life IS harder on so many fronts. Time IS more important because you have more things to do in the same amount of time as everyone else. The balls we are all juggling drop…and they might stay on the floor a week because there is no back-up system to sweep them up and throw them back into the game again. Being ALONE and doing this is different, and in so many ways, so much harder, than not being alone.
But, until you live and breathe ALONE, you just don’t know.
It is hard to live in the land of the suburbs when you don’t fit the suburban model anymore.
Hard because people do not get it.
They don’t get what my life is like.
They don’t understand because they aren’t walking in my shoes. And that is fine. I wouldn’t wish the problems and struggles in my life on anyway.
But, don’t judge me.
Friends don’t judge.
Friends support.
And I definitely did not get that today.
And maybe I should have tried harder to push a friendship.
And maybe they should have reached out, too.
And maybe I shouldn’t have hurt feelings because it is so clear that I hurt their feelings, too.
I sent apologies and will call when it isn’t 5 in the morning.
Just not an amazing way to start the day.
And just another level of ick to hack through.
Things like this are my reminder why I have so very few friends. Things like this are a reminder why I would rather be alone.
Lonely is better than being told I suck.
Solitude is better than having to defend myself for shit I can’t control and I am unaware of.
And I get it.
I suck.
They are right.
I wave the white flag.
Another lesson learned.
